NOTE: This episode was recorded mainly off the cuff with some bullet points as a guide. I have tidied up the transcript to be more readable - but it’s still rough.
As it stands, this will be the last episode of Offspring. Obviously, you never say never. I would be very interested in doing more show episodes in the future if listeners would like to hear more and if I have ideas for how the show could evolve a bit. But right now, I'll take a break for at least a while, and this will be the show's swan song.
I mentioned a few weeks back that I feel guilty about creating the series. Even though I've found it to be a cathartic experience, I feel guilty that I've thrown Ava under the bus a bit and made it sound like parenting her has been an awful experience. So for this 10th and final episode, I wanted to change things and write a letter to my daughter. I warn you now that this will get a bit Lovey Dovey, but I feel I owe her that much. I don't know if she'll ever actually hear the shows. But I at least want to be able to address her directly if she does. So, Ava, this final episode is for you. It's 10 Things I Love About You.
Now, if you're wondering why Dad has come up with this as a concept, there are two reasons. Firstly, the format is a bit of a joke. It's a lazy reference to a 1999 movie called 10 Things I Hate About You. That movie was a big deal when I was a young teenager – and yes, your Dad was a teenager in the 1990s (believe me, it's scarier for me than it is for you). I know plenty of other older millennials like me are in the audience, so the reference is for their nostalgia.
And darling, let me assure you, it really is a lazy reference because, in the movie, the lead character reads a poem called 10 Things I Hate About You and the whole twist is that the thing she hates the most is that she doesn't hate the guy she's writing the poem about at all. She loves him. So calling it 10 Things I Love About You is just incredibly redundant. Because…well…10 Things I Hate About You is a really a love poem.
But there is more sincere symbolism to this chapter as well. By writing an episode solely about ten positive things in my attempt to try and to the ledger a little bit. I've done nine episodes focused on anxieties and challenges, which I'm worried paints the wrong picture. Hopefully, if I can put ten things I love about being your Dad in the show, that means the tally of topics is actually ten to nine rather than nine to zero in the positive. I'm not sure if that works, but I will give it a crack anyway. So as I say, here we go, Ava. Here are ten things I love about you.
1: Your Evil Laugh
Ava, you have an incredible laugh at the best of times. It's so expressive, so loud, and readily available for us to hear when you're in a good mood. For a kid who will be 18 months old when this episode comes out, the sense of humour you already have is remarkable. I've met some dim toddlers with the sense of humour of a turnip. But you find a lot of things funny, and that's awesome. The thing I love the most is how you have a warped sense of humour that's showing itself now. I often do a thing with toddlers where I pretend to give them something and then pull it away. It's lowbrow, but it amuses me. And honestly, I've taken it too far a few times and made kids cry. But you don't need to know about that necessarily. I'm not proud of that, but it's happened.
Not only have I not made you cry with it, but you've also started doing it to everyone else, giving an evil cackle when you pull the item away. Now, I probably shouldn't encourage it, but it's funny. Just like it is when I'm holding you trying to smile, and you push my face away repeatedly, or when you cover my face with a towel to play peekaboo, or when you're having a bath and you start splashing everyone else. I'm proud my girl had a cynical sense of humour before age two. And I love it about you.
2: Your Clapping
You love getting a round of applause from people around you. Clapping has been wonderfully helpful when trying to reward you with positive reinforcement. I genuinely think that we speed up your transition from crawling to walking by about 75% Just by indulging your ego with hearty applause.
Mainly, I love it because I think it's funny. But what I like about it now is how you tell us when you feel you've done something outstanding and that we aren't acknowledging by giving yourself a round of applause. I appreciate the sass that you're aiming at us when you throw a ball or often standing in places like a high chair where we don't want you standing. And when you are met with silence, you force the issue by clapping. That's just good material.
At the risk of massively projecting, I also like that you already demonstrate confidence in your achievements. Heaven knows your Dad is cripplingly insecure, and I don't want you to have that. It would be best if you weren't a narcissist, either. We have too many of those in the world as it is. But there is a middle ground. And I think you're navigating that middle ground pretty well already. And that makes me very, very proud.
3: When You Sleep
Of all the things you could have inherited from me, I wish you hadn't inherited my dislike of going to bed. I hate going to bed. But I also hate being tired. And it turns out that you're the same. Getting you to go to sleep without taking you for a drive or something has become increasingly challenging because you don't want to miss out on all the exciting stuff that's happening at night (like watching TV or playing Xbox or people talking and you not being able to take part). I understand that. But, like, it still sucks.
So when you go to sleep, it's such a relief, and I love you so much. But it's not only relief. I'm not that sad. When you go to sleep, it's a sight to behold. You're so peaceful and beautiful. But you're also remarkably active and loud. You're pretty good at sleeping through the night with only a few disturbances, which is insane. Because you can find yourself shifting from one end of the cot ultimately. Or, if you're in bed with us, you somehow take up more of the bed than anyone because you'll sleep horizontally rather than vertically. You're an absolute mystery when you sleep. But you're a sound sleeper, generally. And given what other parents tell me, that makes you as close to a miracle baby as humanly possible.
4: When You Wake Up
You won't remember this. But the morning is the time for us to hang out. Your mum doesn't like mornings. So most of the time, I'm the one that gets you up once you've had enough of being alone in your room. Now, don't get me wrong. I want to sleep in more some days. But I also love coming and picking you up from your bed with your tired eyes and your messed up hair. I love how you stand up, put your arms out, wait for me to make you a bottle, and then hand me your dummy so politely when it's time for your breakfast drink. I like the mornings generally because they are peaceful. Sometimes I'm shattered and a bit slower getting my brain moving. But it doesn't generally matter. You sit on me with your milk. I sit there with my coffee, and it's our time together. I'm not good at putting you to sleep anymore, unfortunately. But I'm good at being awake with you in the morning.
5: The Way You Have A Favourite Teacher
I don't know why this one tickles me so much. But it just does. From the first day Aroha started at your daycare, you were instantly taken with her, and she became your best friend there. And don't get me wrong - Aroha is super kind and lovely, and we understand why you're so fond of her. She's the best. But there is something so sweet and endearing about how you decided so early on that she was the teacher for you. And you stuck to her like glue from the moment she started in your room. It's so specific, and it's a continuation of how you decide who you like pretty quickly, and then you sink your talons into them, so they have no choice but to fall in love.
6: Picking You Up From Daycare
While we've touched on daycare, I can't continue this list without putting this point here. I don't pick you up every day from daycare. Your mum and I probably split it about 50/50 at the moment. But when I do, it's always the other best part of my day, waking up with you in the morning being the first.
It's remarkable how I can come in to pick you up frazzled, tired, depressed or feeling some other heavy negative emotion weighing me down. But, when you spot me, your face explodes with a huge smile, and you run towards me with your arms unfurled. Even a coldhearted miserable person like myself thaws when this happens.
Another unique thing about it is how you've learned to recognise me when I come to get you, even though I have to wear a mask now. I thought it would be scary for you when we had to start wearing masks all the time (especially at daycare). But you picked it up in no time. If you're in the front room when I arrive, I can tap on the window, instantly recognising me, mask and all, and you'll toddle towards the door as fast as your little legs will take you. It's just astonishing to me, so as well as feeling impossibly loved, I also feel awestruck by how your little brain decoded my face with a mask on at such a young age. It's incredible.
7: This Is One of Your Favourite Songs
Yes, you like the wiggles. And no, you haven't been quite as taken with Bad Religion as I hoped you might be. But you love this song, which is fantastic because it's the entrance theme for Adam Cole in AEW. I always hoped that one day in the future, I could introduce you to wrestling. The fact that you've instantly connected with something so profoundly AEW gives me hope that we can skip the WWE garbage altogether and go straight into the good stuff.
I might be ambitious, but a man can dream, right? Seriously, though, darling, you won't appreciate how cool it is that the wrestler you seem to like the most at the moment is Adam Cole. And admittedly, wrestling is hyper-nerdy and not cool at all. And admittedly, you probably don't care in the slightest that it's about him, and it's just you happen to like the song. But that's great in itself. And you know what? I'm going to make the connection anyway. That is such good taste, my little girl. I'm so proud of you. If I can get you to like Kenny Omega and Hikaru Shida and MJF next and maybe get you to develop an appreciation for Sting's legacy, then we'll be on to something.
8: Your Friendship with Barney
Barney loved you and looked out for you when your mum got pregnant. He instantly sensed the change in your mom and would start resting his head on her belly right from the outset so he could listen to you. When we brought you home, Barney was protective of you and gentle with you right from the first second. He would lay down beside you, so proud to be your dog. He's been a bit displaced, and undoubtedly that's been hard for him because he was the most precious thing in our lives before you came along. But he's handled it pretty well. He still follows you and is gentle with you, even when you're less than gentle with him. You've pulled on him a bit hard multiple times, and he's always just given you a little lick to ask you to stop. I love that you've embraced him since you began understanding that he's also part of the family. You love standing next to him with your arm on him and staring into his eyes. You also love feeding Barney from your highchair, even when we plead with you not to. I think that's when you like it the most.
9: The Way You Throw a Ball
Look, every parent thinks their kid is the most outstanding athlete on Earth. I don't want to be that guy who believes that because his baby girl can lob a ball, she will be opening the Bowling for New Zealand in twenty years. I mean, I hope you play sports because I love sports and think sports have some value. And if it's not for you, it's not for you. I hope you find activities of any kind that you enjoy and that make you happy.
In saying all that, though, you have been able to throw a ball from such an early age, and it's so cool to watch. It's adorable when you get a big ball and can't grasp it properly. So you kind of end up throwing it backwards. You've got the action sorted, but it's like the ball is too heavy, so when you pull it back, you think that's the throwing part. The ball goes crazy backwards and becomes like a weapon that can take out all sorts of things in the house.
It's funny. I don't know. Call me shallow, whatever. But I love it, and I'm proud of it. I won't pressure you to do anything. I won't make you try and compensate for my lack of talent, drive, and frustrated athlete ambitions. But yeah, good work, darling. It's fantastic that you can do that already.
10: The Way You Make Us Feel
Look, parenting has been challenging. I've sometimes taken it badly, and I've broken down in so many instances feeling like a fraud. Life was simpler before you were born. But simplicity isn't so great. Charlie Kaufman makes better movies than Michael Bay. And Greg Gaffin writes better lyrics than almost anyone. People don't enter the Tour de France or the Giro D'Italia because they're simple. And I can tell you from experience that addicts don't get clean because it's easy.
I know I speak for both your mother and myself when I tell you that you've given us a feeling that neither of us knew existed before. Well, it's more feelings because it's not just love. As I said in the episode about your birth, love is too simple. It's everything.
That emotional tapestry is hard to bear at times. It's what makes parenting so challenging and what makes things hurt so much. But it also makes the highs so dizzying and the moments so meaningful. You've unlocked part of me that I hoped was there. But I couldn't have unlocked it in any other way. I will never not be grateful to you for opening that tapestry of emotions. Because even though I might be a mess, I'm now a thankful, proud, loving, and caring Dad.
I love you. And I love that I get to call you my daughter, and I love that I didn't know I was incomplete until you showed up in that operating room and melted me in a moment.